A Guide to Helping Young Children Cope with Violence, by Beryl Cheal ©2001

Years ago we could shield our young children from the grisly details of war and violence. Years ago disagreements in schools were played out in fist fights and shouting matches. In today's world those techniques have been replaced with the deadly violence of guns.

Today's children are exposed to personal experience of violence, the news media displaying violence, rumors of war and violence, and the emotional scars of violence. Every child in the world is threatened, in one way or another. What can parents, teachers, and caregivers do to help children cope?

The intent of this article is to:

help caring adults respond to the questions and feelings of children who are hurting from the pain experienced from violence.

provide reassurance to parents, teachers and caregivers that there are some things that you can do to help your children cope with their fear.

offer some ideas on how adults can deal more effectively with the behavior changes that may result from the stress children are experiencing when conflict touches their lives.

Your Children Need You
You are a support and help to your children. They often take their cues of how to react to violence from the adults in their lives. You will need to work through your own frustration and fears of the situation so that you can more adequately work with your children. You won't know all of the answers, but you can share your feelings with them and provide a calm, loving presence and a safe place for them.

You Can Understand Your Children's Fear
Young children are completely dependent on adults for their well being. When violence occurs, or violence has touched their lives, they have both physical and emotional fears. They are afraid that: (1) the violence will happen again; (2) they may be hurt and will be separated from their family or caring adults in their lives, and; (3) they will be left alone. Recognize these fears, whether you think they are justified or not.

Acknowledge Your Children's Feelings
Each child's feelings are unique to them depending on particular relationships, specific circumstances and distinctive temperament. A child who feels afraid is afraid. Feelings are not bad or good - they just are - and everyone has them - they are OK. Let your children know that adults have feelings, too. Children need to know that it is normal to feel afraid if they have experienced violence or in some other way violence has touched their lives.

Listen to Your Children
Listen to your children. Be sure to listen without judgment. You may not be frightened at the same things that have effected them but children need to have adults listen. These can be real or imagined fears. It doesn't matter. Later you can help them distinguish between the two by providing simple, accurate information. Reassure your child, "We are together. We care about you. We will take care of you."

Encourage Your Children to Express Themselves
Young children may be so traumatized by the violence they have experienced that they remain silent, with the fear and anguish locked inside. Others may talk and talk and talk. In some cultures talking about feelings is not appropriate but you can encourage children to express themselves in many different ways through drawing, music, play acting, clay or play dough, sand or water. In the act of expressing themselves children can experience therapeutic relief from some of their fear. Providing play experiences to relieve tension and stress can also be helpful. Be sure all children are safe at all times.

You May See Changes in Behavior
You may see changes in your children's behavior because of their experiences with violence. Children who were once quiet and obedient may become aggressive, those who were noisy and outgoing may become withdrawn, shy, and quiet. They may develop nighttime fears, be afraid to sleep alone at night, insist on keeping the light on all night. They may become easily upset, crying, and whining, have symptoms of illness. These are normal behaviors to unusual circumstances. If they persist you may want to find a mental health professional to give you some help on working with your child, normally these behaviors go away within a few days to a few weeks. Helping your children express their fears can help them return to their normal patterns of life.

Day-to-Day Living
Because children who experience trauma, such as violence, often feel their lives are out of control, find ways to help them get a sense of control again. Give opportunities for children to make choices, but limit the number of choices you offer. Continue with as normal a daily routine as possible. Children need the sense of stability that a predictable schedule affords. Children lose faith in the future so help them anticipate what they will be doing the next day or next week. Ask children what they want to be when they grow up. Give children important things to do around the house or child care program. Children like to feel needed so give them things that will help them feel they are needed and wanted and are a contributing member.

Relationships Are Important
When children experience trauma, like violence, they lose faith in adults. After all, they trusted adults to care for them and now look what has happened! They weren't taken care of, after all. One of the things adults need to do is to gain children's trust again. The relationships that have been broken need mending. They need to be reestablished. They are key to recovery. Listening to children, responding in honest, appropriate ways, only making promises you can keep, and using an individual and personal approach in working with children can all help in gaining trust and reestablishing relationships. Programs working with young children may want to develop family groupings where a staff person works with a limited number of children, eating with that group, doing activities as a small group. Developing relationships again little by little.

Help Children Know You Love Them Help children know you love them by touching them, holding them, providing comfort. Spend extra time with them when they go to bed, talk with them and assure them you will be there when they wake up - be sure to let them know if you won't. Talk with your children, listen to them. Help your children know that they are very important people and that you are glad they are with you. You may need to repeat information and reassurances many times. Don't stop responding just because you told your children once. They may need to hear it over and over again before they really believe you. They may test you to make sure you really mean what you say.

Head Start, NYC

Because young children are especially vulnerable to violence it is extremely important for adults to take an active, thoughtful approach to helping them recover. Adults must be patient, listen carefully, be gentle, be available when your children need you. Above all, it is important to let your children know you love them.

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